Sunday, October 27

Endings and Beginnings.

Once again, it has been months since I last posted.  So much for blogging more in 2013.   I have a number of half finished drafts saved but they all seem so pointless to post now.    I need to share something much more personal than I have in a long time.

My Dad died on August 31st.

I can't believe that sentence refers to me.  I can't believe any of it happened, really.   I'm still waiting to wake up from this awful nightmare.    It was totally unexpected and blindsided all of us. He had been fighting cancer for two years.  And winning! Or as much as he could have been since his (bladder) cancer was so aggressive and never would be considered cured.

He was doing well.  Or so we all thought.  As recent as a week before he died, his oncologist predicted he had years left - ten would be a good time span to plan for.  But cancer is a sneaky bastard and his was very aggressive.   It metastasized into a "spider web" that covered his lungs and couldn't be seen on any scans.   We never even worried about it being in his lungs.   We were worried about lymph nodes and bones and they were all fine.   He was 60.   So ridiculously young.    I am 33.  How am I supposed to live the rest of my life without him?

I am an only child and was so close to my Dad.  We were two halves of a whole, and always joked that no one else really understood us except the other.   My world is shattered.   Two months later, I am just feeling like I can go on and live in this new reality, even if I don't want to.   This is what life is now.

Something that we have in common in the ability to assign sentiment to everything and anything, and keep it all.   The idea of have to get rid of so many papers, envelopes, notes, pens, etc. that meant something to my Dad - but nothing really to us - is so hard.   So I have started to look at all of my "stuff" in a different light.   Do I really need So. Much. Stuff.   Not really.    That's where I am right now, sorting through years of  memorabilia and papers so others don't have to later.   It's keeping me busy, at least.

Here's to the rest of my life, whatever it may become.

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